I felt the need to qualify this since, you know, you have your breakfast cereals, your lunch cereals, and your dinner cereals, and today we’re just focusing on breakfast cereals.
Oh, you didn’t know? Yeah, lunch and dinner cereals would include your Rice/Corn/Wheat Chex, Wheaties, Corn Flakes, Corn Pops, Rice Krispies, Bran Flakes, Raisin Bran, Fiber One, Unfrosted Mini-Wheats, and Life.
Now that I’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about the crap you’re feeding your kids.
Sugar content is another topic for another time, but I’ve picked out what I feel are the top 5 awkwardly named breakfast cereals available now or at least in recent history. Plus 5 bonus cereals!
1. Honey Smacks
I was house sitting recently and found myself eating a bowl of off-brand Honey Smacks. I’m not elitist—it didn’t bother me that they were off-brand. It bothered me that they were inspired by a product called Honey Smacks (not enough to make me stop eating them, obviously).
Freshman year of college, I pulled an all nighter in order to write a 15 page paper on the Rwandan genocide. By 11pm, I had abandoned the Hutus and the Tutsis much as their country had abandoned them and all my notecards were scattered across the floor with me on top of them watching every Dane Cook video on YouTube. If you haven’t heard Peanut Butter Smack, now is your chance. Essentially, he is watching a really lame pornographic video, then, in a dramatic plot twist, the guy dips his hand in a jar of peanut butter and slaps the girl with it.
I just imagine that warty little frog slapping me in the face with a handful of honey. DIG ‘EM!
2. Banana Nut Crunch
If you say Banana Nut Crunch out loud, you’ll probably say “Banana-Nut Crunch.” I prefer to say “Banana Nut-Crunch.” Lolololol.
3. Yogurt Burst Cheerios
I’ve recently discovered the difficulty of product naming. Cheerios Coated with Yogurt just doesn’t have the same wow factor as Yogurt Burst Cheerios, but I hate the idea of yogurt “bursting.” Even if you try to scoop your mind out of the gutter and think of yogurt in a literal sense instead of in a yucky, sexual way, can anyone tell me what is worse than when you open one up and the liquidy stuff comes splooging out all over you? Oops, I still made that yucky and sexual. It’s too easy!
4. Oreo O’s
Fact: I have an Oreo O almost every time. No matter what flavor of Oreo. Double Stuf, though? Wowza.
5. Special K Chocolatey Delight/Special K Red Berries
I’m driving through the city looking for something that an innocent white girl would be looking for in a city. The mall or something. I find myself taking a wrong turn into a bad neighborhood, running over some broken glass in the street and getting a flat tire. I’m approached by a robust gentleman named Special K. He’s surrounded by scantily clad ladies who clearly find him to be a chocolatey delight. It’s evident that he runs these streets and that I’ve encroached on his territory. He bends down and motions for me to roll down my window. His breath smells like cigars and he speaks slowly, asking me if I’d be interested in purchasing some “Red Berries,” as he pulls a small baggie out of the inside pocket of his faux leather jacket.
-Bear Naked Granola: Do they mean Bare Naked or are we talking about Naked Bears? Or what? Both of those things make me think of granola anyway.
-Berry Berry Kix: Ouch.
-Cream of Wheat: Looks just like it.
-Grape Nuts: Awwwww.
-Frosted Mini Spooners: Reminds me of that place in Madison where you pay to have someone cuddle with you, only with doped up Little People.
Any others you’d like to add?? What would you name your cereal?? Will I ever join the rest of my peers in the adult world??