I’ve never been one of those jerks who is too good for New Years Resolutions. The exception being the year or so after I saw Dodgeball. To paraphrase Vince Vaughn aka Peter La Fleur– if you set goals, you might not reach them. But if you never have one, you’ll never be disappointed.

I didn’t set any goals for, like, three years after that and I was thisclose to going to community college.
Nowadays, I’ll set one or two tentative resolutions, then reevaluate them mid-to-late-January (January 31st is the Chinese New Year, so it’s not like I’m that far off). There are bound to be failures, but this keeps me from giving up on them completely. I’ll wait until at least mid-February to do that when nobody cares if you had resolutions or not.

My two 2014 Tentative Resolutions were as follows:

 1. Be More classy:

– Stop drunk texting. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t reach for the bottom of my barrel of men every time. Actually, it would probably be worse if I grabbed one off the top.
– Stop playing the cups part of the Cups song at the bar. (Although the bar shouldn’t leave their plastic cups sitting right there for me to grab!) No, I didn’t watch Pitch Perfect everyday trying to learn that song. Didn’t everyone learn that in middle school? I watched Pitch Perfect every day because it is a phenomenal, quality film.
– Shower before work in the morning or invest in some quality dry shampoo (not baby powder) and learn how to do a messy bun that doesn’t actually look messy.

2. Travel more!

Coming into some nice Christmas money and realizing that since I now have two jobs, I wouldn’t necessarily have to put that money directly towards bills if I didn’t want to, I suddenly had the lust for travel that I had lost once my student loans kicked in. Though I don’t think wanderlust ever really goes away, circumstances can certainly put your feelings on hold as survival instincts kick in. I could buy a plane ticket to Panama, but I’m not going to be able to pay my rent. Let alone feed myself which is my number one priority always. Whomp.
I haven’t traveled abroad since 2010 which is simply unacceptable.

Fast-forward all the way to January 5.


The new year came in like a wrecking ball, and in true Miley fashion I find myself slouched down in a booth at Village Inn, bra-less, in sweats, unintentionally messy bun, #nomakeup, #nofilter, trying desperately to rip open the plastic packaging of a Plan B I made my friend buy me because I took my disheveled ass to four pharmacies and they were sold out at every single one. I didn’t realize the irony of ordering the “High Road” breakfast at first (Egg whites! A healthy 2014!), but my friends sure did.
File “Be More Classy” into the 2015 Tentative Resolutions Folder.
Somewhere around January 16th, I suddenly became motivated to pay off the credit card debt I accrued working retail while my liberal arts degree collected dust under my bed. (Wait. It’s still doing that.)
But it seems manageable! Oh, wait! What about this money sitting in my savings account, mentally stamped with “DO NOT TOUCH THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES IF YOU WANT TO GO TO ISTANBUL AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE LIKE AN AWESOME INDEPENDENT WOMAN.”
Tempted to Touch it. But then I think of that island song by the same name and want to go to Barbados and live like my idol, Rihanna. Internal conflict.
Istanbul may be swapped out for a cheaper destination in Central America. One thing is for sure, though. I want go to somewhere by myself this year! Even if it ends up being domestic rather than international. Paying off the credit card debt has become a higher priority I guess (although it should have been all along.) Look at me, I’m growing. A for realz adult. Maybe being more classy will become an attainable goal for 2015 unless I should enter another gangsta rap phase which I totally see coming.
Then, once my credit cards are taken care of, maybe I’ll start saving for a round the world excursion…we’ll see. I just want to live like the gypsies.
So check back for periodic updates on my 2014 New Years Resolutions!
Not really, I’ll forget about them by next week and never write another post or breathe another word about them for the rest of the year.