Guys. Hi. Big shit poppin’, little shit stoppin’.

I have been gone so long, I had a slew of plugins to update and I don’t even know what any of them do (not that I did in the first place.)

If you follow me on any social media platform, and I know you do because only my friends and family read this, you’ll know I’ve left the farm for greener pastures. It’s hard to find a place greener than Iowa (except right now with all your snow, suckasssssss), but Oregon could very well be the place. And that’s where I am now!

Since a lot of people have been asking what I’ve been doing, I’ll give you a glimpse of my life at this exact moment.

I have walked one full block to a coffee shop to utilize the wireless internet and drink a pretty delicious latte. I just watched a gaggle of bearded, beanie-d men walk down the street. Then I watched them cross the street and walk into what several sources claim to be one “one of the best brunch spots in Portland.”

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I might go outside and give this woman a handshake for how she expertly parked her Subaru Outback.

I have to pee because I can’t stop drinking craft coffee and craft beers, but I don’t see a bathroom in this place.

My apartment is absolutely tiny. Half the size of my place in Iowa and $300 more. I can hear everything my neighbor does. His TV keeps me up at night. I think he might be gay though, so hopefully he doesn’t bring over any scream-y girls.

Everyone seems to be gay?

I don’t have a car here!

But I live near everything!

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And did you know you can’t even pump your own gas here anyway? Illegal.

There was a Volkswagen van parked outside my apartment the day I got here.

My recycling bin is the same size as my trash bin! But there are two recycling bins and only one trash bin!

The tap water tastes great even though there’s no fluoride in it!

I might get lunch at a food cart today!

Food carts

But probably not since I don’t have an income.

It’s sunny today!

But it’s going to rain this weekend.

Bikes.

Flannel.

Fun.

I’m wearing a scarf and blogging at a coffee shop! Assimilation!

In other words, I’m in Portland now and it’s great.