Since my only income is coming from those who take pity on me (this could be YOU–message me for details), I have had to get a little crafty with my food budget.

A few weeks ago, there was a special at Chipotle (omg I live somewhere that has a Chipotle finally but it’s like, the worst option in this delicious food Mecca) where, if you bought a sofritas burrito/bowl/tacos/salad on this particular day, you could bring your receipt back in and get a free burrito/bowl/taco/salad of your choice. The catch is that sofritas is made from gross tofu, and I feel comfortable saying that tofu is gross because I have tried it on multiple occasions with an open heart, a clear mind, and a welcoming soul. And I still choose not to like it.

As I mentioned (and will likely continue to mention over and over), I am strapped for cash (plz halp) so I thought this tofu burrito would be a wise investment and I could get two for about $4.38 each because obviously I add the guacamole for an extra $1.95.

Okay, and I got chips too because I like to get burrito bowls and use the chips to scoop. So my original burrito bowl cost me $10, oops. However, I was able to make sofritas bowl into two meals because who the hell needs to eat all that in one sitting? Not even me, and I’m a glutton!

To be honest, the tofu wasn’t even bad.

So. Before I went to get my free burrito bowl the next time, I decided to do a little research to see how I could really maximize the amount of food I got.

Important tips I found:

1. Get a bowl instead of a burrito– They hold more than a tortilla. I already do this anyway.

2. Ask for half and half meats– They’ll charge you for the more expensive meat, but they don’t do exact half scoops, so the scoops tend to be a little more than half.

3. Get both black and pinto beans– They don’t charge you extra if you get both.

4. Basically everything else is free (EXCEPT GUAC) and you can ask for “a little more”– Get veggies, get cheese, get sour cream, and get lettuce. You can also get more than one kind of salsa for no extra charge. If you want a little more rice, ask for it. Boom.

5. You can get 2 (I think) free tortillas on the side– So, get a burrito bowl and ask for two tortillas. Then at least you still get those added carbs you missed out on by getting the bowl instead of the burrito.

Yesterday, I decided to try these tips out for myself. Because I’m out of groceries anyway.

On my walk there, a homeless man told me I was “really hot.” And he meant it as in, like, I was attractive, not sweaty. #confidenceboost!

“I’ll have a bowl, please.” –Me

“Brown or white rice?” –Bowl Maker

“Brown,” –Me (for health, obviously)

“Black or pinto beans?” –Bowl Maker

“….I’ll have black…” –Me

“What kind of meat?” –Bowl Maker

“Half carnitas and half barbacoa…” –Me (because obviously I’m getting the pricy meats if I’m not paying for this bowl.)

“…annddddddd…actually, can I get pinto beans, also?” –Me, sheepishly

“Sure.” –Bowl Maker, who passes me off to the next lady

“Salsa?” –Toppings Lady

“Yeah, the mild. And some of the hot. Oh, and can I get veggies too? Oops.” –Me, because I legitimately forgot about the veggies.

“Anything else?” –Toppings Lady

“Yeah, the sour cream, cheese, guacamole, and lettuce.” –Me

“Guac is extra.” –Toppings Lady

“I know.” –Me, except it’s not because I have a COUP.

“Anything else?” –Toppings Lady

“NOPE.” –Me, wondering what else there even is to get.

“Wow, this is heavy.” –Toppings Lady

big ass burrito bowl

The picture doesn’t even do it justice. Plus it’s a terrible picture.

Fucking right it is.

It was heavy. And she had to squish everything in there. AND when I was paying, the cashier asked me what kind of meat was on it, and I said carnitas, which are cheaper than the barbacoa, so I tricked her into paying for the cheaper meat, too. Saved, like, a quarter right there. Suckaaaaaaaa.

I chose not to get chips at Chipotle this time, and remembered that the convenience store next to my house sells Santitas, the $2 ONLY bag of tortilla chips and the best thing to come out of Mexico Texas since Carlos Santana Selena.

While I was at the store, I discovered Franzia in a bottle, so I picked one up for $6.99 for 1.5 liters. To complete my lovely dinner. #treatyoself


My beautiful view.

My beautiful view.

So, to recap. I spent $10 for my initial burrito bowl, and $8.99 for the Santitas and Franzia. For a total of $18.99. Hopefully my math is correct on that.

It didn’t take long before I was totally stuffed. I had barely made a dent. There was so much food, I could get at least three meals out of that. MAYBE even four, but for the sake of my love of food, we’ll just say three.

As you can see, the bowl is still full after eating enough to fill myself up.

As you can see, the bowl is still full after eating enough to fill myself up.

So. Say I got five meals out of both burrito bowls, that would bring my total to $3.79 for each serving, including wine! If I wouldn’t have purchased chips at Chipotle the first time, and if I had used this tactic to get three servings out of the first bowl instead of two, that would’ve brought the price down to $2.83 per serving. Well now that’s just economically responsible as far as takeout and alcohol go.

Even though I put stuff on my burrito bowl that I normally wouldn’t (I usually skip the cheese and sour cream), they didn’t cost me any extra, and I will definitely use these tips in the future. Especially because a caring friend sent me Chipotle gift cards (and so could you!)

Now, go put these tips to use and let me know how it works for you. Go now! Eat as much as you can! You’re an American (maybe)! Be free! Be brave!