I might be addicted to Tinder. There is absolutely no reason for me to keep coming back to it, but I can’t help but enjoy judging people from behind a screen in the comfort of my own home. What a great time to be alive.

Since today is my birthday, and, inevitably, all about me, you can’t tell me what a horrible person I am for writing this or point out all of MY personal flaws, for today I am a saint and a goddess.

Reasons I Left-Swiped You (Part One):

  1. “Ethically non-monogamous.”
  2. You have a ferret on your shoulder.
  3. Newsboy hat.
  4. One or more of your pictures is a photo of your car.
  5. You’re laying next to a tiger cub.
  6. You’re riding an elephant.
  7. Why is everyone in Thailand?
  8. Dead fish.
  9. Dead deer.
  10. Dead turkey.
  11. You went to a for-profit college.
  12. Too nice.
  13. Plays a string instrument.
  14. In town “for a few days.”
  15. “Looking for a workout partner.”
  16. Professional photo from a nightclub.
  17. Gamer.
  18. Gang signs.
  19. Church goer.
  20. The girls in your pics are way hotter than me.
  21. Motorcycle.
  22. Your “parents met on Tinder.”
  23. Mirror selfie.
  24. Musician.
  25. Can’t find you in a group photo.
  26. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
  27. Ron Swanson quote about brunettes and breakfast foods.
  28. Camouflage clothing.
  29. Our mutual interest is The Notebook.
  30. Sober.
  31. You list your height because “apparently it matters.”
  32. Man ring.
  33. You make a point to include that  you’re a former college athlete even though you graduated college 5+ years ago.
  34. You told me to swipe left because I like something you don’t like.
  35. Ponytail.
  36. You work somewhere that didn’t hire me.
  37. Burning man.
  38. All of your pictures are selfies.
  39. Hair longer (and more glorious) than mine.
  40. Your first line was “i love the carabbean”
  41. Car selfie (DANGEROUS??)
  42. You’re kissing a girl in one of your photos.
  43. You give your snapchat username.
  44. Too many emojis.
  45. Face tat.
  46. Your name is Spenser with an “S.”
  47. I went to high school with you.
  48. We already tried this once. Or twice.
  49. You bio is a philosophical book that I don’t have time to read.
  50. You Use arbitrary Capitalization