I think it’s quite possible that I have a reputation for being a bit of a hardass. My Russian coworker who barely knows me at all has already described me as “a very tough American woman” and was surprised to hear that I was drinking fruity drinks on my cruise, “is there really something girly in your system?” Evidently I am a mean old man.

I’d really hate to tarnish that reputation, but I think it might be a good thing to humanize myself a little. So, I’ve decided to share my deepest, darkest fears. Frankly, I don’t think they’re silly, but I’m pretty certain everyone else will.

1. The Dentist

I think if you can agree with me on any of these, the dentist will be the one.

I have a toothache. Now. As I’m typing. That’s scary shit. It means I should go to the dentist. The dentist has been a traumatic experience for me since the very first time I saw one. As such, I haven’t been to the dentist since I graduated high school.

Partly because I have no dental insurance, but mostly because my dentist was a mean old lady going through a divorce with my eye doctor and probably fabricating my mouth issues so she could get more money out of me to pay for her lawyer fees. (Speculation.)

At any rate, she left a bad taste in my mouth and I hold that resentment to all dentists.

2. Horses

I’m not a fan of spiders or snakes or mice or those little creepy animals that all girls hate, but I’m not too scared to smash the hell out of one crawling around my apartment. (Full disclosure: I’ve yet to have any apartment snakes or mice.)

Horses, on the other hand, cause me some anxiety.

When I was little, my brother and I were riding horses at my grandparents’ house. His horse took off in a gallop and mine followed behind at a leisurely pace, heading straight for a tree with low hanging branches.

My dad yelled “DUCK!” but I thought he was talking to the horse. I went face first into the branches and wound up with some facial lesions.

My brother fell off his horse, yet has a real affinity for horses to this day.

Maybe I should be more afraid of trees.

3. Having Big Boobs Forever

My worst nightmare of all.

I was at a house party once my sophomore year of college. While playing beer pong, some jackass asked me if I could motorboat myself and that was probably the moment I realized that these puppies needed to go at some point.

Now, I won’t say whether I can or I can’t, but I’d at least like to avoid hitting myself in the face when I blow dry my hair upside down. And I’d also love not having gashes in my shoulders after I run. And I’d also love being able to wear strapless dresses. And button up shirts.

That same jackass had the chance to try it out for himself years later, but never took it.

4. Car Washes

What? Yes. Since I was a baby, my mom had to take me out of my car seat anytime we went through the car wash because I would have a panic attack. I feel like we went through the car wash a whole-fucking-lot.

Those memories are still with me.

I try to avoid it myself when I can, but now that I own a black car, it gets pretty sloppy and I’d rather turn the music up and bury my head in the steering wheel for five minutes instead of actually getting my ass out of the car and washing it by hand.

5. Outer Space


It is so big and we are so small. I’m not as concerned about the sheer vastness of the universe as I am with the inevitable heat-death the earth faces.

“They” say the sun is millions of years from exploding and swallowing us whole, but who really knows that?? The government is cutting funding to NASA for God’s sake.

I love watching movies and shows about outer space, though, but that’s only because I also love horror films. However, it gets to be too much for me when the local meteorologist is constantly tweeting photos of sun dogs.

I’ve shared some real secrets with you guys now, but please don’t hold them against me.