I get annoyed at what people post on Facebook every single day. Then sometimes I post a status about how annoyed I am about the stupid things I read, which is probably pretty annoying. Instead of doing it on Facebook today, I’m going to write a blog post instead, because passive aggressiveness is totally neat. And it’s kinda my thang.

Aside from the whole month of November when people are posting everyday about the mundane things they’re thankful for (my mom! my husband! my kids! chocolate!) and putting up pictures of their disgusting beards, Valentine’s Day is by far the most annoying day on Facebook and in life. It doesn’t have to be!

dominos japan heart pizza

It’s not the committed, lovey-dovey couples that annoy me, though. SURPRISE! It’s the single, man/woman-hating whiners that drive me nuts. Shocking, I know. Coming from someone as emotionally disconnected as myself, many would probably think that I would be part of the Singles Awareness Day campaign.

Valentine’s Day (VD) is my favorite holiday! For realsies. Even though I’m a single ladyyy. Even though I work at a flower shop AND a hotel so I get to see men buying women spectacular bouquets with mushy cards, then later checking themselves into a room with a bottle of wine to celebrate their love by doing it in a bed that one hundred people have already done it in.

What most people are misled about regarding VD is that you have to be romantically involved to celebrate it correctly. VD is about love, right? So…who do you love? Do you love your mom? Do you love your friends? Do you love your cat? Do you love yourself? Celebrate with them/you!

We celebrate Thanksgiving, but are we pilgrims or Indians? We get a day off for President’s Day, but how many former U.S. presidents do you know even KNOW? (only 3, personally.) Hell, I’m an atheist but I LOVE Christmas! If there is a holiday with food involved, I’m there.

Anyway, I think the best VD comes when you’re not in a committed, monogamous relationship. (ZING) You are free to do whatever you want. The best part this year is that VD is on a Friday, so if you really feel the need for some human contact, go to the bar. Everyone is going to be trying to get laid out there.

What I like to do is buy those little VD cards you handed out in elementary school and give them to my friends and coworkers and strangers. You know that feeling you get at Christmas when you give someone a gift? I get the same feeling giving out those little Spongebob and Justin Bieber cards. In fact, I get a better feeling from it because I know I didn’t have to spend more than 50 cents and nobody is expecting it.

Even for the 4 VDs in a row that I had a boyfriend (the same boyfriend, even), I never once celebrated with him. We never exchanged gifts. We barely even uttered “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. Why put that pressure on yourself or someone else? I’d much rather watch Netflix and eat chocolate and drink wine by myself than dress up for someone or have to buy a gift. On VD or any other day for that matter. Like, I gave myself a VD manicure on Saturday night and it had already chipped completely off by Sunday night. I just looks like I have blood coming out of my cuticles. Obviously I can’t get my shit together for myself let alone anyone else.

In closing, I leave you with a poem written by my Valentine with whom I’m not in a relationship and with whom I will not be spending VD, Spencer. I think he sums it all up pretty well:

When you ain’t got nobody to love on this special day,┬álove thyself.
When you ain’t got nobody to love on this special day, lust someone.
When you ain’t got nobody to love on this special day, find someone.
When you ain’t got nobody to love on this special day, just wait until tomorrow… it will be over.

Chocolate Valentine Waffles

P.S. Your VD gift to me can be to subscribe to this blog. I mean, if you’re reading it already, you might as well…I’d hate for you to miss anything kbye.